Religious Humour

ekrubtap · Posted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 2:31 pm Post subject:

Dear Dr Laura
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread. (cotton/polyester blend) He also tends to curse and blaspheme alot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

ekrubtap · Posted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 2:36 pm Post subject:

16 Reasons God Would Never Get Tenure
1. He had only one major publication
2. And it was in Hebrew
3. And it had no references
4. And it was not published in a refereed journal
5. And some even doubted that He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate His results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects did not behave as predicted, He often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class: He just told students to read the book.
13. He has his son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning too much.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountain top.

ekrubtap · Posted: Fri Apr 02, 2004 2:40 pm Post subject:

Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to make them drink it.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over their brand of Beer.

4. You don't have to wait more than 2,000 years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying that Beer labels can't lie to you.

2. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

1. You can prove you have a Beer.

SicPreFix · Sergeant Joined: Feb 21, 2004 Posts: 121 Location: Canada

I love the Dr. Laura one. Good, yet pleasantly pointed fun.

ekrubtap · Posted: Sun Apr 04, 2004 10:52 pm Post subject:

While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the lady.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a

club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present

is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the head of state

joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would

never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends,

dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here

there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.

Today you voted for us!"

MrsHoppes · Sergeant Joined: Feb 08, 2004 Posts: 122 Location: USA

Why God Created Eve

Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone.

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

MrsHoppes · Sergeant Joined: Feb 08, 2004 Posts: 122 Location: USA

The Lord Provides

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.

Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide." The men shrugged and rowed on.

By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."

So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"

MrsHoppes · Sergeant Joined: Feb 08, 2004 Posts: 122 Location: USA

Satan Vs Jesus

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Pipe down now, Satan. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments.

They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every bad word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

MrsHoppes · Sergeant Joined: Feb 08, 2004 Posts: 122 Location: USA

New Pastor

A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3:20: "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."

Genesis 3:10: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself."

ekrubtap · Posted: Mon Apr 05, 2004 11:25 am Post subject:

ekrubtap · Posted: Fri Apr 09, 2004 10:35 pm Post subject:

Satanic Barney Proof

Given: Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
Prove: Barney is satanic

The Romans had no letter 'U', and used 'V' instead for
printing, meaning the Roman representation would for
Barney would be: CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

Extracting the Roman numerals, we have:
CV V L DI V

And their decimal equivalents are:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5

Adding those numbers produces: 666.

666 is the number of the Beast.

Proved: BARNEY IS SATAN!

ekrubtap · Posted: Fri Apr 09, 2004 10:37 pm Post subject:

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

660 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/ 666 - Beast Common Denominator
666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again?
- Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666: - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!
Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and
replacement soul
$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell
National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised)
- Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

ekrubtap · Posted: Fri Apr 09, 2004 10:39 pm Post subject:

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While
the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on
his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even
looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-
natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his
wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his
kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes
towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour,
who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays,
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

ekrubtap · Posted: Fri Apr 09, 2004 10:42 pm Post subject:

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, " 'What is a 'caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "'Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

ekrubtap · Posted: Fri Apr 09, 2004 10:45 pm Post subject:

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.
Sister: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.
Ten minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket


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