Religious Humour

ekrubtap · Posted: Fri Apr 09, 2004 10:47 pm Post subject:

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised."
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

ekrubtap · Posted: Tue Apr 13, 2004 10:01 pm Post subject:

GOD'S EMAIL
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So He called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, He thought for a moment and thought maybe He'd better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good." God said this was not good.

So He decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that e-mail said?

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Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? Bummer.

ekrubtap · Posted: Tue Apr 13, 2004 10:08 pm Post subject:

Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord...
"God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

"Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

MrsHoppes · Sergeant Joined: Feb 08, 2004 Posts: 122 Location: USA

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

MrsHoppes · Sergeant Joined: Feb 08, 2004 Posts: 122 Location: USA

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

MrsHoppes · Sergeant Joined: Feb 08, 2004 Posts: 122 Location: USA

A college class was led by an atheist professor, and every day
he'd stand in front of his class and say, "Have you ever seen
God?" to which nobody would answer. Then he'd ask, "Have you ever
felt God?" and nobody would answer. Finally he'd ask, "Have you
ever heard God?" and, like the other times, nobody would answer.
He then would say, "It is obvious that there is no God."

One day a Christian student had been having an extremely bad day;
her car broke down, her mother was sick, her boyfriend was out of
town, and she'd gotten a bad grade on one of her exams. She had
been fed up with her professor's little act every morning, so she
decided to do something about it.

While the professor stood up at the beginning of class and did
his thing, the student had an idea. She got up and said,
"Professor, would you mind if I said something?" He said, "Of
course not. This is an expressive classroom, and I think it would
be fine if you spoke your mind."

The girl said to the class, "Have you ever seen our professor's
brain?" and nobody answered. Then she asked, "Have you ever felt
our professor's brain?" and nobody answered. Finally she asked,
"Have you ever heard our professor's brain?" and, like the other
times, nobody answered.

She then said, "It is quite obvious that our professor has no
brain."

midnightsun · Cadet Joined: Apr 17, 2004 Posts: 2 Location: USA

A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise and took his shotgun downstairs.

Upon finding the burglar he aimed his gun and said gently,

"Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot."

midnightsun · Cadet Joined: Apr 17, 2004 Posts: 2 Location: USA

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.
Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."
"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."
The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.
His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."

MrsHoppes · Sergeant Joined: Feb 08, 2004 Posts: 122 Location: USA

Like that last one.

ekrubtap · Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2004 10:31 pm Post subject:

Remember, there are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian church.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

ekrubtap · Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2004 10:49 pm Post subject:

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.

He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.

He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.

He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."

"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."

"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.

"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.

JoeKerr · Private Joined: Apr 11, 2004 Posts: 41 Location: Canada

One day, a thief notices a family that was leaving for Sunday Mass. So, knowing that they wouldn't be back for a little while, he decides to break into their home. While upstairs, he hears a voice. "Jesus is watching you!" Startled, he looked all around the room, but couldn't find anybody. Moving downstairs, he heard the voice once more. "Jesus is watching you!" Again, he looked around, but couldn't find anybody. Later on, while he was in the dining room, he heard the voice a third time. "Jesus is watching you!" Spinning around, he saw a parrot in a cage staring at him.
"Oh," laughed the thief, "I bet your name is Jesus."
"Sqwak," answered the bird, "Nope. My name is Moses."
"What a stupid name for a parrot."
"Sqwak," said the parrot again, "not as stupid as the bulldog named Jesus!"

MrsHoppes · Sergeant Joined: Feb 08, 2004 Posts: 122 Location: USA

ZippyZingo · Corporal Joined: Apr 07, 2004 Posts: 71 Location: USA

ZippyZingo · Corporal Joined: Apr 07, 2004 Posts: 71 Location: USA

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...).
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"


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