Religious Humour

ekrubtap · Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2004 9:48 am Post subject: Religious Humour

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."

ekrubtap · Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2004 9:53 am Post subject: The Creation... By Computer

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said,
c:\>Let there be light
Enter user id.
c:\>God
Enter password.
c:\>Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Technocrat
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
c:\>Let there be light]
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create light
Done
c:\>Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
c:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create firmament
Done.
c:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
c:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
c:\>Create dry_land
Done.
c:\>Run dry_land
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
c:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create sun_moon_stars
Done
c:\>Run sun_moon_stars
And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
c:\>Create fish
Done
c:\>Create fowl
Done
c:\>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
c:\>Create cattle
Done
c:\>Create creepy_things
Done
c:\>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create man
Done
c:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth.
Too many command operands. Try again.
>c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
c:\>Insert breath
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
c:\>Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
c:\>Create Garden.edn
Done
c:\>Move man to Garden.edn
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
c:\>Copy woman from man
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
c:\>Create desire
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create freewill
Done
c:\>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create good, evil
Done
c:\>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
c:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
c:\>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
c:\>Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
c:\>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
c:\>Destroy earth confirmed
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8 God created Macintosh

ekrubtap · Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2004 10:14 am Post subject:

"Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?"..........Jules Feiffer

"A dead athiest is someone who's all dressed up with no place to go.".........James Duffecy

"The idea of a Supreme Being who creates a world in which one creature is designed to eat another in order to subsist, and then passes a law saying, 'Thou shalt not kill,' is so monstrously, immeasurably, bottomlessly absurd that I am at a loss to understand how mankind has entertained or given it house room all this long."..........Peter De Vries

"Randomness scares people. Religion is a way to explain randomness.".......Fran Lebowitz

"No man with a sense of humour ever founded a religion.".......Robert G. Ingersoll

SicPreFix · Sergeant Joined: Feb 21, 2004 Posts: 121 Location: Canada

All good.

ekrubtap · Posted: Tue Mar 09, 2004 9:34 am Post subject:

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for words.

Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well ... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"

ekrubtap · Posted: Tue Mar 09, 2004 10:28 am Post subject:

A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

ekrubtap · Posted: Tue Mar 09, 2004 10:37 am Post subject:

Two nuns are driving at night in a swamp.

A vampire flys out of a shadowy stand of moss-covered trees and lands menacingly on the hood of their car. The nun who's driving says to the other nun, "Quick! Sister! Show him your cross!"

The second nun leans out of the window, grabs the vampire and screams, "GET THE #*%! OFF THE CAR!!!"

MrsHoppes · Sergeant Joined: Feb 08, 2004 Posts: 122 Location: USA

No Excuse Sunday

To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday."

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."

There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.

Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.

We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."

Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.

Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list all the hypocrites present. A prominent space will be alloted at the top of the card for the cardholder to write his own name down first on that list.

Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.

We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.

One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.

Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.

The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.

We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton for those who can!

Hope to see you there!

ekrubtap · Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2004 3:42 pm Post subject:

I'll wager one of those steel hats has my name on it Mrs. Hoppes. Very Happy

Last Words

Jesus was nailed up on the cross. The crowds were all around him. From on the cross Jesus cries out "John..."

John, hearing this, rushes up to his Lord. Before he can get close a Centurion grabs him and cuts off his right foot and throws him back in the crowd.

Again Jesus cries out "John..."

John again fights his way throughout the crowd. The Centurion grabs him and cuts off his left foot and throws him back.

Jesus cries out yet again "John..."

John drags himself through the crowd with his hands only to meet the same Centurion who cuts of his right hand and throws him back into the crowd.

"John..."

John manages to crawl through the crowd pulling himself along the ground by his left and manages to sneak past the Centurion this time. He drags himself over to the cross and looks up at his Master and says "I am here my Lord. What is it?"

Jesus says "John... I can see your house from up here."

MrsHoppes · Sergeant Joined: Feb 08, 2004 Posts: 122 Location: USA

In God's Army

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

So the Pastor questioned, "Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."

It's in the Bible

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very, very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long flights.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

The Family Bible

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered,

"It's Adam's suit!!"

ekrubtap · Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2004 12:36 pm Post subject:

A man died and was sent to hell. A few seconds after his arrival, the Devil appeared in a cloud of smoke and said "Why hello, welcome to Hell! You're just in time for dinner, please follow me."

The man followed the Devil rather nervously, wondering what was going to happen, and was surprized to find a table piled high with delicious food waiting for him. Assuming this was his last good meal before hell started, he dug in.

When he was finished the Devil said, "Now allow me to show you to your quarters." The man sighed and reluctantly followed the Devil down a long hallway. He could hear terrible blood-curdling screams coming from behind a door at the end of the hall. "Well," he thought, "this is it."

But to his surprize the Devil turned left at the the door, and led him down another hallway and outside towards a magnificent beachhouse with a Porsche in front. When they got there the Devil handed the befuddeled man the keys to house and car, wished him a nice stay and turned to leave. The man couldn't take it any longer. He said to the Devil "Excuse me, but I don't understand. This is hell, and I'm being treated like a king! What was behind the door we went past on the way here? Is that what's really in store for me?"

The Devil smiled and said, "Why no, the room we went by is reserved for the Catholics. They seem to want it that way."

ekrubtap · Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2004 12:41 pm Post subject:

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recover, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you.

ekrubtap · Posted: Mon Mar 15, 2004 8:59 am Post subject:

Pride and Adultery A man walked into a church, stepped into the confessional and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 90 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them... twice."

The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never, Father, I'm Jewish."

"So why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."

ekrubtap · Posted: Mon Mar 15, 2004 9:02 am Post subject:

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

ekrubtap · Posted: Mon Mar 15, 2004 9:11 am Post subject:

Hotter than Hell? The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26,
"Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days."
Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E) temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says
"But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone."
A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.

from "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972


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