GOT A GOOD JOKE ? ? ?

OldGuy · Posted: Wed Apr 14, 2004 10:59 am Post subject:

3 surgeons are bragging about their surgical skills.

The first says "This guy had his hand completely crushed in a pressing machine. I reattached the hand and he went on to become a concert pianist"

The second says "this farmer had all four limbs severed by a threshing machine. I reattached 4 new limbs and he later went on to become a professional football player."

The third surgeon says "I got you both beat. This cowboy was riding his horse along the railroad tracks. A train hit him so hard all that was left was his cowboy hat and the horse's rear end. I put him back together and today he's president of the United States."

Steve_Lillico · Posted: Wed Apr 14, 2004 12:11 pm Post subject:

Here are some jokes for the discussion, all clean.

http://www.talk-back.ca/modules.php?name=NukeJokes

JoeKing · Cadet Joined: Apr 13, 2004 Posts: 3 Location: UK

izzi · Private Joined: Feb 09, 2004 Posts: 48 Location: UK

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to nderstand what the magician did in every trick. Once he nderstood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.

This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up.

What'd you do with the boat ?"

crunchie · Posted: Mon Apr 19, 2004 7:04 am Post subject:

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai Warrior. After a year, only three applied for the job: a
Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the
floor, neatly divided in two!
"What a skillful feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* *Swish! *
The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!
"Ah-h-h, that is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"
Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing a fly,drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh!* flourished his sword so
mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room and the fly let out a high pitched sound. But the fly was still alive and buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Now, circumcision .....THAT takes skill!"

crunchie · Posted: Mon Apr 19, 2004 7:05 am Post subject:

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company.One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his directionwith the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly,"Boy,that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more aroundhere?"Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look ofterror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearbytree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it forprotection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back andthinks "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshundsays...................... "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.">>>REMEMBER: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITHBULLSHIT

--NZ4ME-- · Posted: Mon Apr 19, 2004 4:35 pm Post subject:

Hahaha .....
Thoroughly enjoyed those 2 'Crunchie' keep them coming.
Oh by the way here in New Zealand we have a super duper hokey pokey and chocolate bar called a 'Crunchie' .....where do you hail from?

Salado · Posted: Mon Apr 19, 2004 5:07 pm Post subject:

This blonde fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the blonde responds, "What's that noise?

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A redneck gets shot

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel

was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and

siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,

"PULL OVER!"

The blonde yelled back, "NO! IT'S A SCARF!"

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If

you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Lawyer's personal injury

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell fore'."

"I'll take it," the attorney said.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HellOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs"

crunchie · Posted: Mon Apr 19, 2004 11:57 pm Post subject:

crunchie · Posted: Mon Apr 19, 2004 11:58 pm Post subject:

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes!

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and our kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blond stops him. "You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

--NZ4ME-- · Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2004 4:05 am Post subject:

Hi Crunchie
Haha well our 'fush and chups' are just a golden and crunchie as your 'feesh and cheeps' I believe...

crunchie · Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2004 6:04 am Post subject:

Me & my daughter just had sum fush und chups 4 tea actually. Must have been the thought of them earlier. The meat will have to last another day in the frudge now. Very Happy

TMOV · Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2004 2:50 pm Post subject:

nursepractitioner on the hudson this is for you:

Very good joey.

bud este es ya viejito, pero no deja de ser chistoso......

HOTEL PARA MUJERES INSATISFECHAS

Un grupo de mujeres jóvenes está de vacaciones y de pronto encuentran un

hotel de cinco pisos, con un cartel que dice:

"exclusivamente para mujeres".

Como están sin sus parejas deciden entrar para ver

si vale la pena alojarse allí.

El recepcionista, un hombre muy atractivo, les

explica como es el hotel...

"Tenemos cinco pisos... vayan piso por piso, y cuando encuentren lo que

buscan, vienen a registrarse. Es fácil decidir, porque en cada piso hay

avisos que indican qué contienen".

Así que entran y, en el primer piso, en el aviso se lee:

"Aquí todos los hombres son pésimos haciendo el amor, pero son muy

sensibles y amables".

Las amigas se ríen a carcajadas y sin dudar suben

al siguiente.

El aviso del segundo piso dice:

"Aquí los hombres hacen el amor de modo maravilloso, pero generalmente

tratan mal a las mujeres".

Esto no les parece aceptable, así que las mujeres

siguen al tercer piso, donde en el aviso se lee:

"Aquí todos los hombres son amantes excelentes, y son sensibles a las

necesidades de la mujer".

Esto se ve bueno pero todavia faltan dos pisos. En

el cuarto piso el aviso es sorprendente:

"Aquí todos los hombres tienen cuerpos perfectos, son muy sensibles,

tiernos y atentos con las mujeres, son amantes perfectos, todos son

solteros, con mucho dinero y dispuestos a casarse".

Definitivamente las mujeres están intrigadas pero

ellas deciden ver qué hay en el quinto piso, antes de quedarse en el

cuarto. Cuando ellas llegan al quinto, en el aviso dice:

"Aquí no hay hombres. Este piso se construyó sólo para probar que es

imposible complacer a las pinches viejas y que con nada estan satisfechas".

(Envía esto a hombres que necesitan una sonrisa, y a las

mujeres que pienses que son lo bastante listas como para sonreir.)

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NPonthehudson · Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2004 3:56 pm Post subject:

Gracias para el chiste y para pensar en mí,
pero espero que usted no piense que soy uno de las mujeres que va al quinto espacio.


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