GOT A GOOD JOKE??? POST IT HERE. DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT?

threewood14 · Sergeant Joined: Jan 14, 2004 Posts: 78 Location: USA

Okay. A man walks into a bar and puts a 20 down on the counter. he asks the bar tender for a 20 year old scotch. the bar tender reaches back and gets an eight year old scotch. he thought, "hows he gonna know?" the man drinks the 8 year old scotch and suddenly spits it out. "I asked for 20 year old scotch. this is 8 yers old!" The bar tender says," Wow! You are good!" The man says," I'm the best." So the bar tender reaches back and gets 18 year old scotch. He thought," sure he knows the difference between 8 and 20, put 18 and 20? he wont know" The man drinks the 18 year old scotch and suddenly spits it out. "I asked for 20 year old scotch. this is 18 years old. "The bar tender says,"Wow you are good. Really good." The man says," I'm the best around!" So the bar tender reaches back and gets 20 year old scotch. The man drinks it and enjoys. A bum sitting at the end of the counter says," Hey! I betcha can't do the same to my drink." The man looks at him and says," Of course. I'm the best." He takes a swig of the bum's drink and spits it out. "It tastes like piss!" said the man. The bum says," Exactly! Now tell me how old i am!"

__________
threewood14

_Ralph_ · Posted: Sat Feb 28, 2004 6:22 pm Post subject:

An aging pirate of the high seas was talking with a mate one day about his pending retirement. "You ought to be compensated for your peg leg, hook for a hand and the patch on your eye," said the mate. "You might want to check it out before retiring."

So the pirate went to the compensation board to see for himself.

"How did you lose your leg?" asked the clerk behind the counter.

"Well me and my maties was sailing the high seas one day when the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me leg." Replied the pirate.

"OK", said the clerk, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Well me and my maties were sailing the high seas one day and the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me hand."

The clerk wrote down his response again, looked up, noticing the patch on his eye asked, "Is that how you lost your eye?

"Oh no, said the pirate, One day me and the maties were sailing the high seas and a sea gull landed on the boom. I looked up and it crapped in me eye."

"You don't loose an eye that way!" scoffed the clerk.

"But it was the first day with me new hook!" the pirate cried.

threewood14 · Sergeant Joined: Jan 14, 2004 Posts: 78 Location: USA

Do you know why Chinese don't have a phonebook?

There are so many wings and wongs. They might wing the wong number

ekrubtap · Corporal Joined: Feb 17, 2004 Posts: 60 Location: Canada

Q; What are the three most difficult years for a race jokester?
A; Second grade.

threewood14 · Sergeant Joined: Jan 14, 2004 Posts: 78 Location: USA

Stephen Hawkings Pro Wheel Chair

lilliebet65 · Posted: Tue Mar 02, 2004 2:27 am Post subject:

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he
sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the
air, and hands it back.

"Oh, my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater, followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap .........and stay for breakfast.

The next morning, after a night of pashionate sex where she fulfilled his every desire, she cooks him a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........."

"........You just happened to catch my eye."

lilliebet65 · Posted: Tue Mar 02, 2004 2:32 am Post subject:

An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband.

The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment.

Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in black, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker
pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

And then he continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"

TMOV · Posted: Tue Mar 02, 2004 2:57 am Post subject:

OH,LILLIEBET,YOU'RE KILLIN'ME!!!!
YMOV

BooRad · Sergeant Joined: Feb 13, 2004 Posts: 110 Location: USA

And me too, Lilliebet...you're jokes are too much!

Here's one in return...

An Irishman who had a little to much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

BooRad

BooRad · Sergeant Joined: Feb 13, 2004 Posts: 110 Location: USA

And here's another...

Immediately following the Super Bowl, George W. Bush called the Patriots
and complemented them on a great game.

Al Gore called the Panthers and
said he thought they were robbed.

Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson

BooRad

BooRad · Sergeant Joined: Feb 13, 2004 Posts: 110 Location: USA

And let's try one more...

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles.

BooRad

threewood14 · Sergeant Joined: Jan 14, 2004 Posts: 78 Location: USA

lol
lol
lol

lilliebet65 · Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2004 6:15 pm Post subject:

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry; your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something. I demand you do some tests!"

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "Ł150!" she cried."Ł150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it the bill would have been Ł20, but you wanted the Lab Report and the Cat Scan."

phoenix22 · Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2004 6:29 pm Post subject:

aaaaaaaaaaaaawww

threewood14 · Sergeant Joined: Jan 14, 2004 Posts: 78 Location: USA

one tells me that to relief my stress, i should beat up pillows. another one tells me that i think people are pillows...


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