GOT A GOOD JOKE ? ? ?

TMOV · Posted: Fri Apr 23, 2004 1:02 am Post subject:

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend.

I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods.

He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marihuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,

Judith

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbors house. I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you!

NPonthehudson · Posted: Fri Apr 23, 2004 1:42 am Post subject: Rut-roh!

While trying to escape Iraq, Saddam found a bottle in a cave and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any lowlife woman giving me anything!" barked Saddam.

The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Saddam thought a moment. Then he grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three white American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"

The highly annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning he woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding & Hillary Clinton.
His wally was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance. Rolling on the floor laughing...

JoeKerr · Private Joined: Apr 11, 2004 Posts: 41 Location: Canada

One day, Bill Gates had a meeting with the CEO of General Motors.

"Imagine," said Bill, "if cars had kept up to date as much as computers have. You could run 1000 miles on 1 gallon of gas, it would need almost nothing in maintenance, and could get you anywhere you wanted to go!"

"Sure," answered the CEO, "but who would want a car that crashed four times a day?"

--NZ4ME-- · Posted: Thu Apr 29, 2004 11:44 pm Post subject:

Who needs a flu injection?

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease.

And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"

All have a good day
Cheers
Val Laughing

NPonthehudson · Posted: Thu Apr 29, 2004 11:51 pm Post subject:

Oooooh! OUCH! Ewe!!!
Rolling on the floor laughing...

TMOV · Posted: Fri Apr 30, 2004 12:40 am Post subject:

Salado · Posted: Fri Apr 30, 2004 2:31 pm Post subject:

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep, and he began a conversation.

Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

The Indian looks stunned.

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?", while pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The Indian has a look of disbelief on his face.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Good."

The Indian now has extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?", while pointing at the Indian.

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

The Indian now has a look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."

--NZ4ME-- · Posted: Thu May 06, 2004 2:05 am Post subject:

: Three Tortoises

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic.So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Roy give me the bottle opener' 'I didn't bring it' says Roy. 'I thought you packed it'. Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, 'Did you bring the bottle opener?'.

Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.

Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts.'

I KNEW IT! ...... I'M NOT F**KING GOING.'

Marianna · Posted: Tue May 11, 2004 12:21 am Post subject: Senior Wedding Plans . . .

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Twisted Evil

Salado · Posted: Fri May 14, 2004 4:03 pm Post subject:

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a
river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has
fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is
this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes
to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is
this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You
would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no'
to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you
would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to
take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer
Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

--NZ4ME-- · Posted: Fri May 14, 2004 5:42 pm Post subject:

Hahaha ...... I'd love to know what the "Lord's" comeback to that was I know what mine would like to be ....... "Oh Yeah"
Laughing

TMOV · Posted: Fri May 14, 2004 10:31 pm Post subject:

from:firelocksrocks.

Chris Rock's Quote of the Day:

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of
arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most
powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.

Need I say more?"

TMOV

TMOV · Posted: Fri May 14, 2004 10:34 pm Post subject:

FROM FIRELOCKSROCKS:

Just in case you got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit
>clearer. .........
>
>IN PRISON .... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
>AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
>
>IN PRISON ... you get three meals a day.
>AT WORK ...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
>
>IN PRISON ... you get time off for good behavior..
>AT WORK ... you get more work for good behavior.
>
>IN PRISON ... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
>AT WORK ... you must carry around a security card and open all the
>doors
>for yourself.
>
>IN PRISON ... you can watch TV and play games.
>AT WORK ... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
>
>IN PRISON ... you get your own toilet.
>AT WORK ... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
>
>IN PRISON ... they allow your family and friends to visit.
>AT WORK .... you can't even speak to your family.
>
>IN PRISON .. all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
>required.
>AT WORK ... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
>they
>deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
>
>IN PRISON ... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get
>out.
>AT WORK ... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
>inside
>bars.
>
>IN PRISON ... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
>AT WORK ... they are called managers.
>

TMOV

TMOV · Posted: Tue May 18, 2004 3:12 pm Post subject:

just received from joey diaz in panama;he's a political animal.

FW: A Bush Fan

Thought you might enjoy this!

ABushFan

A teacher in a small Texas town asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.

Not really knowing what a Bush fan is but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny.

Not wanting to leave any child behind, the teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny explains, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher asks, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"

Johnny answers, "I'm a John Kerry fan."

The teacher asks, "WHY are you a John Kerry fan, Johnny?"

The boy replies, "Well, my mom's a John Kerry fan, and my Dad's a John Kerry fan, so I'm a John Kerry fan!"

The teacher is angry, so she says, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot? What would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

TMOV

darklordsarumon9 · Sergeant Joined: May 10, 2004 Posts: 94 Location: USA

i have a relly petite roomate, u know one day she comes in and shees like, can i borrow your tubetop here? and im like thats my scrunchie, then she wants to split stuff like ho split the hamburger with me, split the soda, this, that ITS AN M AND M DEAR EAT IT!


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