GOT A GOOD JOKE ? ? ?

TMOV · Colonel Premium Member Joined: Feb 05, 2004 Posts: 1573

just plain priceless

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
>his
>eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of
>water on the side table.
>
>He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
>pressed
>Marty looks around the room as sees that it is in perfect order, spotless,
>clean. So is the rest of the house.
>
>He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey,
>breakfast is
>on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!" So he goes to the
>kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
>
>His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks,"Son, what happened
>last
>night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
>Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye
>when you stumbled into the door."
>
>Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
>breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom
>dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you
>said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
>
>
>
>
>A self-induced hangover - $100.00
>Broken furniture - $200.00
>Breakfast - $10.00
>Saying the right thing - PRICELESS

TMOV · Colonel Premium Member Joined: Feb 05, 2004 Posts: 1573

Cow tracking

Is it just me or does anyone else find it absolutely amazing
that the U.S. government can track a cow born in Canada
almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps
in the state of Washington, and determine exactly what that
cow ate. They can also track her calves right to their stalls,
and tell you what kind of feed they ate.

But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around in our country, including people that are
trying to blow up important structures in the U.S.

My solution is to give every illegal alien a cow as soon as
they enter the country.

Nemesis6 · Private Joined: Mar 18, 2004 Posts: 46 Location: Denmark

A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Is this a joke?" Smile

TMOV · Colonel Premium Member Joined: Feb 05, 2004 Posts: 1573

Telephone Trouble

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it
did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The
telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog
or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole,
the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain
and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring. Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by pissing and
moaning.

TMOV · Colonel Premium Member Joined: Feb 05, 2004 Posts: 1573

A filthy rich man in North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited
Bubba, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party
around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good
time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting
with the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating
gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the
nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Bubba in the pool! Bubba was
fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Bubba was jabbing the gator in the
eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting
the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind
of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Bubba and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally
Bubba strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.
Bubba then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Bubba, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Bubba.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Bubba.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Bubba said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Bubba, then what do you want?"
Bubba said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."

TMOV · Colonel Premium Member Joined: Feb 05, 2004 Posts: 1573

for my IRISH COUSIN,Wandrinstar.
another LEPRECHAUN thing.

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on
his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya
want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it
was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him.

I'll give him the three things I would want -- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf
game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf. If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did good job. How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all?
Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

TMOV · Colonel Premium Member Joined: Feb 05, 2004 Posts: 1573

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience and, on seeing God, asked,
"Is my time up?"
God said,
"No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days tolive".
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift,liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour.
Since she had so much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance
God replied,
"I didn't recognize you."

ekrubtap · Posted: Fri Jun 11, 2004 10:51 pm Post subject:

WARNING-This poster contains what normally passes for coarse language, but which is in reality just olde English which was superceded by the percieved more fashionable French terminology-du-jour. Neither do I normally consider murder a valid source of humour. But something (my X chromosomes?) brought forth a chuckle verging on a guffaw when first I viewed this poster that an old girlfriend had sent.

TMOV · Colonel Premium Member Joined: Feb 05, 2004 Posts: 1573

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the Stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, "WHO'S HORNY".....?!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep.

DeleterFX · Posted: Wed Jun 16, 2004 1:58 pm Post subject:

priceless

Tank8131 · Corporal Joined: Jun 02, 2004 Posts: 56

What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?

Where's my tractor?

wawadave · Major Joined: Nov 22, 2002 Posts: 923 Location: Canada

i liked the PRICELESS
lol

D_may · Cadet Joined: Jun 22, 2004 Posts: 3

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
> > > > > >He can see from her nameplate that her name
> > > > > >is Patricia Whack.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan
> > > > > >to take a holiday."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks
> > > > > >his name.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger,
> > > > > >his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay,
> > > > > >he knows the bank manager.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >Patty explains that he will need to secure
> > > > > >the loan with some collateral. The frog says,
> > > > > >"Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny
> > > > > >porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall
> > > > > >- bright pink and perfectly formed.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >Very confused, Patty explains that she'll
> > > > > >have to consult with the bank manager
> > > > > >and disappears into a back office.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >She finds the manager and says, "There's
> > > > > >a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who
> > > > > >claims to know you and wants to borrow
> > > > > >$30,000, and he wants to use this as
> > > > > >collateral."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
> > > > > >"I mean, what in the world is this?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >(you're gonna love this)
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >(its a real treat)
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >(masterpiece)
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >(wait for it)
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >The bank manager looks back at her
> > > > > >and says...
> > > > > >"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack.
> > > > > >Give the frog a loan. His old man's
> > > > > >a Rolling Stone."

TMOV · Colonel Premium Member Joined: Feb 05, 2004 Posts: 1573

oh boy,
now can we go to sleep on that one,lol.

Tank8131 · Corporal Joined: Jun 02, 2004 Posts: 56

i don't get the loo-ee one....


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